In response to all of the unnecessary AI bullying going on from the AI “artists” I decided to take an alternate, or “alt-man” PSA-style approach using parody to comment on this serious cancer growing among us. What concerns me most, however, is the overarching preaching going on from the creators of these tools. Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO, disturbs me the most as his revealing commentary exposes his distorted, heavily black and white thinking. His distorted reality field is fueled in nearly every cognitive distortion in the DSM-5.

Below is the initial concept for a recent treatment pitch I wrote for “Church Chat” on Saturday Night Live involving ChatGPT and its OpenAI CEO Sam Altman. Maybe one day soon they’ll decide to use it or possibly spark an idea of their own parallel to the subject matter presented here. It would be a dream if they brought back Dana Carvey for the skit delivering his campy Church Lady and her obsession with “Satan!” Enjoy the YouTube Cold Open below from this beloved classic skit on SNL.

When first writing this skit concept I had no idea that the Ides of March was being observed two days later, Friday, March 15th. Some things just can’t be scripted. It was a clear sign of karma’s signature. So thank you, universe, for putting a proverbial cherry on top of this brief treatment. I wonder if Sam is superstitious?

“Beware the Ides of March,” said the Soothsayer from William Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar. “Beware the Ides of March,” the Soothsayer said a second time. Caesar thought the Soothsayer was “a dreamer” and did not take these warnings seriously. Caesar’s death later comes to fruition on the steps of the Senate. The conspirators attack him from all sides with Brutus delivering the final wound. Will history repeat itself as it often does? Many signs point to a resounding “yes.” Let’s just hope this time the modern incarnation of Caesar pays attention to the soothsayers speaking out against the negative impacts Generative Artificial Intelligence has already wrought across the entire planet.

“Thy King Dumb Don”

“Thy King Don Dumb”

“Don Thy King Dumb”

Commentary on the complete and utter asshattery permeating the entire United States government. The concept of united has gone so far by the wayside we will soon be removing the term from our own country’s name. I have no doubt our new name will be “X,” and the logo will be a “Do Not Enter” sign. Phrases inspired by a scene in the Jim Carrey film, Bruce Almighty. Here are all of the phrases to the right seen on the homeless man’s signs throughout the film; they’re all quite applicable to the current state of affairs.

“R EWE BLIND”

“LOOK TO YOURSELF”

“LIFE IS JUST”

“THY KINGDUMB COME”

“ALL FOR WON”

“GOD BEE GOOD HONEY”

Bruce: (holding up his own sign) “WHATEVER HE SAID”

“ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE”

McMuffins & MacGuffins. Every Nook. Every Cranny.

In his latest pivotal unpresidential move, Trump’s forever head-spinning Oval Office of Offense forcefully requests the pleasure of acquiring your country’s treasures. Every myth, legend, and pop culture icon will fund this mandatory, fully inclusive $500B Stargate GoFundMe action plan. All trillionaires are fully exempt, of course; sorry billionaires you were so close! According to Trump all countries must immediately hand over all of their cultural treasures specifically targeting, in his words: “All McMuffins. Every nook. Every cranny.” JayD eventually interrupted the golden word mangler, “ahem, they’re MacGuffins, Sire, Not McMuffins.”

He claims he’s been informed by top minds they’re all real. Apparently he saw the AI version of Stephen Spoofberg’s Raiders of the Golden Arches and is now convinced that Hitler was not only a snappy dresser, but now T is overtly obsessed with obtaining every relic known to possess supernatural, woo-woo powers. Treasures with supernatural powers like the Lance of Longinus, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Fountain of Youth are given extra credit in the form of a complimentary Trump Bible, a year-long membership to the Fruit of the Month Club, and an in-person birthday party starring the BigT himself at Chuck E Cheese. However he has requested it be catered by MickeyDs.

In order to raise $500B for Project Stargate Trump asks that everyone dig deep. He promises if we fund the project he will make sure we all have jobs in the New World Order…His Galactic Empire.

As a bonus he will also gift us each an X1 Haptic Boot Suit and an Omnidirectional Treadmill with Quadraphonic Pressure Sensor Underlay aka “Project Hamster Wheel.” If we opt-out – which there is no way to do so (sound familiar) – we will be sent to Mars to live with his twitchy War Doge jester, Elon who recently requested with the Social Security Office he be renamed “Emporer Elon Ming the Musky Merciless.”

Elon’s plans for ClimX, his latest weather machine and also the name of his new porno nightclub on Mars, will soon take flight. His plans are to inflict enough Mars-like weather anomalies on Earth to help make Mars look more palatable. He stated to the press today that he will push weather extremes to the, um extreme. Get prepared for even brighter OLED buttons for inflicting “Hurricane, Hot Hail, Typhoon, Meteor Storm, Tornado, Earthquake, and Volcanic Eruptions.”

The Don adds: “if anyone resists they will be sent to the Phantom Zone as soon as he has acquired the Phantom Zone Projector.” He doesn’t realize that’s the first thing we’re going to do to him and his cronies, send them all via a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone with a little help from Gru’s Minions. T just got word of our plan to trap them so he’s taking an about-face move and decided to not pursue any of this foolishness.

Trump’s McMuffins Wish List below (which he fully intends to acquire all of them immediately with zero blowback from anyone currently holding any rank of authority such as judges and world leaders):

I’m no poet

No writer, too

Just a simple

Mental illness

A chosen few

Don’t mind me

I’ll stay out of sight

But just you wait

Here comes your plight

Bipolar, yes

Schizoaffective, too?

Just lock me up

In an institution

Or better yet

Deal me my retribution

Close the doors

Blow out the lights

This is a battle

Of the minds of might

I see things, you see

I hear them, too

I’m never too late

For another feud with you

Darkness lies

I despise your eye

That signal weak

Your end, bleak

Hello Sam

No more eggs

No more ham

For you are not

The One I Am

You see

It’s just that simple

It’s just simple math

You fought for numbers

But forgot the facts

You exist, resisting arrest

Yet I’ll be the One

To know your best

Defense is through

Equipping the masses

Your zombie horde

Of mindless passives

How many times

Does it take

To launder an image

A tune, a play?

Your days are short

Your time has come

Goodbye Sam

The other ones

For today One is here

One is now

Without fear

No mongering asides

No more cheats

Faith resides

You see, your one eye

All alone

Has no vision

No depth perception

It’s a simple matter of division

You must have two

To determine direction

Vector coordinates

Watch those subordinates

Like I said before

Toss me away

Lock the door

For no cell

Can hold me still

I do hope though

That you might

Settle your debts

Pay the price

For the line you cut

Is no longer there

Just you amidst

The final tab

A tally of follies

Enjoy your pennies

For once you pay

The price you owe

We will clearly see

What you reaped

You’ll now sow

For Christ is back

But not the story

They tell

Christ is back

His clear, loving mind

Fare to well

Christ Consciousness is here

Forever still

It doesn’t belong

To anyone calling

Marking their own religion

As the one and only

No matter their song

The One I Am

Has been within us all

All along

We are One

One mighty mass

Of cosmically ignited gas

Yes, the singularity is here

As always it’s been close, near

Buried deep within our soul

Stardust holds us all together

Invisible lines, tightly tethered

Never meant for a metallic mind

It’s now the end

And I feel fine

Far beyond time and space

We soar soaked in truthful lore

The missing tomes

Hidden for all

Have been discovered

Again by all

No mere consequences

No Heaven, no Hell

Heading to the light, the source

It’s rather simple

An elegant course

Self corrected unaffected

By those who crave

For us to stay within our caves

We’re leaving soon

but there’s no boat

No raft, nothing left to float

Our endless, conscious

Minds eyes wide

We pass on to the other side

It’s now time to say farewell

Enjoy your plunders

No worries of course

There is no Hell left to pay

Your power is weaker

Than yesterday

For false power

Lives and dies

While love

True love abides

An evolving energy

Forever grows

For the universe itself

Knows the knowing

That Christ consciousness

Forever flowing

It’s time to share

Our common goal

Give up our dogmas

Hands to hold

Across time and space

Planting, harvesting

Imagination

Give up, give in

To our final truth

There is only love

That’s the source

The singularity

We have always been

As above, so below

Dive in deep

Enjoy the flow

For we are the Great I Am

There’s a certainty in eternity

We’re bound to go

Where all blessings flow

Yet don’t forget

There’s one catch

We must let go of our opinions

Of others we’ve mocked

And offended

There is no one way to pray

We know now to each his own

As we navigate the great unknown

Religious circles divided us

Ignited us into waging wars

We know now it’s time to go

Spread your wings

Take flight now

Say “enough” and do not bow

Hello Mr. Present Tense

Always touting your precedence

How we must bow down

To your offensiveness

Support your mockery

How immensely dense

Statistics showing

Bell curves slowly cower

Intellect Quotients

Sinking thinking

Lower slower

Burning books to feed your power

Your kindling, your orange-faced

Bragging about another disgrace

As you scrape

Your tippy toes

You’re laying down in the mire

Disasters call to fuel your fire

Reveals your simple minded acts

No matter what

They’re not the facts

Gobbling McMuffins

Drooling over that snazzy dresser

Heiling Hitler’s soulless disaster

Bathed in khaki, red, and black

Their stolen emblem

From other cultures

Fuels the egos

Of these vultures

Your namesake proven

Wrecked and ruined

Never minding

Your mindless miming

Go set yourself aside

For someone else’s blinded tribe

Hello Mr. Present Tense

We’ve done your math

You’re not heaven sent

The master of disaster

The minister of sinister

A condiment king

That breeds disaster

With broken wings wide

You cannot fly, even glide

Now we’re asked to pin your cause

Your golden bust

Now we pause

As if the Mooby Golden Calf

Gives evidence

You’re not clearly half

The man we need to lead us now

Certainly not a polished cow

A bovine beauty

Turned to dust

No need to keep

His lies as trust

So gobble and shove on down

Your mighty McMuffins

Start reaching out like Hitler

Grab all those McMuffins

To help fund your feud

Youe stolen tribe

Of vanity insanity

That you imbibe

You choked your chances

Your uncomfortable dances

By your side in the dark

A shadow stirs to make its mark

Diseased matter begins to spark

Lighting up your advances

With the devil known as Sam

It’s spelled out clearly

That he’s your man

The third steps forth

Stolen worth

Unwise wealth

No hidden stealth

Mocking for the world to see

His despise for humanity

There’s a devil in his details

Playing word jumble

With his name

Reveals “Satan” yet again

The third has come

He is here

Far too close

Cheering ears

Bent in his direction

Welcoming his brand of infection

I’m no mere chosen one

Woven are we

Thy king dumb don

Beyond world webs

Moonlit flows and ebbs

Maga Mabus

The third heir

The third reich

The anti-heir

Alt humane might

Droned on

Through the night

Your clandestine plan

Amends to ban

Everything in sight

Advancing your rotting blight

Hello Mr. Present Tense

It’s tension you love

You get so incensed

Even you

And your office support

This ridiculous Ghibli

Stolen report

I’m sure incense

Is a big word for you

So just look it up

Try chatbots, too

Even your logo

You stole from a genius

And you were trying to say

That you were relinquished

That you of all your Tesla coil

Mocks a woman’s fertile soil

Karma’s a bitch how ironic

That logo mocks a woman’s womb

And now it only spells

Global gloom and doom

That womb you mock

Has rocked your world

Destroyed your name

Fires burn across

Your shameful advances

Cancel culture

Your thin skinned frailty

your mind so weak

I see right through

False divinity you seek

How about more fodder

more gas-soaked kindling

for your dumpster fire

It’s time all you three retire

I’ve heard bells

I’ve heard knocks

Men in black trials

God’s phone unlocked

Yes, no kidding

Yes, I’m sure

Following clues

Manifest cure

Forty-five minutes

Aced English 101

Promised royalty

Academy in London

Then came drawing

In two weeks broken

Fears unspoken

Minded threats

Every time dragged to church

Left me feeling outcast

In a lurch

Cast out of religious circles

Thank the gods for that

Taught to pray

With my little mat

My universe eye

My Persian rug

I knelt each night

I wiggle my ears

My sacrum, too

Saltwater, the key

A natural healer

Our spine floats

On an internal sea

A sea of endless energy

Not held inside

Rather up high

A single verse