. . . : : CTRL+ALT+DEL℠ / Generative Artificial Infancy & Other Ad Absurdum Comic Relief
Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI, has proven his blatant carelessness with the world’s intellectual property by funneling it into their machined artificial language model, ChatGPT, with no guard rails whatsoever. In response to his actions I’ve done my best to support everyone abused in this manner by exposing his deepest secrets in a variety of prose. Here are three of my recent attempts to change the narrative and further call out OpenAI and its true intentions to steal without consequence.
“Love Letter” — An OpenAI parody inspired by “Church Chat” on Saturday Night Live
In response to all of the unnecessary AI bullying going on from the AI “artists” I decided to take an alternate, or “alt-man” PSA-style approach using parody to comment on this serious cancer growing among us. What concerns me most, however, is the overarching preaching going on from the creators of these tools. Sam Altman, OpenAI CEO, disturbs me the most as his revealing commentary exposes his distorted, heavily black and white thinking. His distorted reality field is fueled in nearly every cognitive distortion in the DSM-5.
Below is the initial concept for a recent treatment pitch I wrote for “Church Chat” on Saturday Night Live involving ChatGPT and its OpenAI CEO Sam Altman. Maybe one day soon they’ll decide to use it or possibly spark an idea of their own parallel to the subject matter presented here. It would be a dream if they brought back Dana Carvey for the skit delivering his campy Church Lady and her obsession with “Satan!” Enjoy the YouTube Cold Open below from this beloved classic skit on SNL.
When first writing this skit concept I had no idea that the Ides of March was being observed two days later, Friday, March 15th. Some things just can’t be scripted. It was a clear sign of karma’s signature. So thank you, universe, for putting a proverbial cherry on top of this brief treatment. I wonder if Sam is superstitious?
“Beware the Ides of March,” said the Soothsayer from William Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar. “Beware the Ides of March,” the Soothsayer said a second time. Caesar thought the Soothsayer was “a dreamer” and did not take these warnings seriously. Caesar’s death later comes to fruition on the steps of the Senate. The conspirators attack him from all sides with Brutus delivering the final wound. Will history repeat itself as it often does? Many signs point to a resounding “yes.” Let’s just hope this time the modern incarnation of Caesar pays attention to the soothsayers speaking out against the negative impacts Generative Artificial Intelligence has already wrought across the entire planet.
“I believe the phrase was...Lucifer in the flesh. Well isn’t that special.”
— Dana Carvey as The Church Lady on the Saturday Night Live parody “Church Chat”
“Thy King Dumb Don”
“Thy King Don Dumb”
“Don Thy King Dumb”
Commentary on the complete and utter asshattery permeating the entire United States government. The concept of united has gone so far by the wayside we will soon be removing the term from our own country’s name. I have no doubt our new name will be “X,” and the logo will be a “Do Not Enter” sign. Phrases inspired by a scene in the Jim Carrey film, Bruce Almighty. Here are all of the phrases to the right seen on the homeless man’s signs throughout the film; they’re all quite applicable to the current state of affairs.
“R EWE BLIND”
“LOOK TO YOURSELF”
“LIFE IS JUST”
“THY KINGDUMB COME”
“ALL FOR WON”
“GOD BEE GOOD HONEY”
Bruce: (holding up his own sign) “WHATEVER HE SAID”
“ARMAGEDON OUTA HERE”
McMuffins & MacGuffins. Every Nook. Every Cranny.
In his latest pivotal unpresidential move, Trump’s forever head-spinning Oval Office of Offense forcefully requests the pleasure of acquiring your country’s treasures. Every myth, legend, and pop culture icon will fund this mandatory, fully inclusive $500B Stargate GoFundMe action plan. All trillionaires are fully exempt, of course; sorry billionaires you were so close! According to Trump all countries must immediately hand over all of their cultural treasures specifically targeting, in his words: “All McMuffins. Every nook. Every cranny.” JayD eventually interrupted the golden word mangler, “ahem, they’re MacGuffins, Sire, Not McMuffins.”
He claims he’s been informed by top minds they’re all real. Apparently he saw the AI version of Stephen Spoofberg’s Raiders of the Golden Arches and is now convinced that Hitler was not only a snappy dresser, but now T is overtly obsessed with obtaining every relic known to possess supernatural, woo-woo powers. Treasures with supernatural powers like the Lance of Longinus, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Fountain of Youth are given extra credit in the form of a complimentary Trump Bible, a year-long membership to the Fruit of the Month Club, and an in-person birthday party starring the BigT himself at Chuck E Cheese. However he has requested it be catered by MickeyDs.
In order to raise $500B for Project Stargate Trump asks that everyone dig deep. He promises if we fund the project he will make sure we all have jobs in the New World Order…His Galactic Empire.
As a bonus he will also gift us each an X1 Haptic Boot Suit and an Omnidirectional Treadmill with Quadraphonic Pressure Sensor Underlay aka “Project Hamster Wheel.” If we opt-out – which there is no way to do so (sound familiar) – we will be sent to Mars to live with his twitchy War Doge jester, Elon who recently requested with the Social Security Office he be renamed “Emporer Elon Ming the Musky Merciless.”
Elon’s plans for ClimX, his latest weather machine and also the name of his new porno nightclub on Mars, will soon take flight. His plans are to inflict enough Mars-like weather anomalies on Earth to help make Mars look more palatable. He stated to the press today that he will push weather extremes to the, um extreme. Get prepared for even brighter OLED buttons for inflicting “Hurricane, Hot Hail, Typhoon, Meteor Storm, Tornado, Earthquake, and Volcanic Eruptions.”
The Don adds: “if anyone resists they will be sent to the Phantom Zone as soon as he has acquired the Phantom Zone Projector.” He doesn’t realize that’s the first thing we’re going to do to him and his cronies, send them all via a one-way ticket to the Phantom Zone with a little help from Gru’s Minions. T just got word of our plan to trap them so he’s taking an about-face move and decided to not pursue any of this foolishness.
Trump’s McMuffins Wish List below (which he fully intends to acquire all of them immediately with zero blowback from anyone currently holding any rank of authority such as judges and world leaders):
The Arkenstone • Vector’s Shrink Ray • IOI’s Pure O2 • The Eye of Sauron • The Wheel of Fortune • Old MacDonald’s Farm • Vecna’s Spider Throne • The Legion of Doom • The Big Wheel on The Price is Right • Planet Doom • H.G. Wells’ Time Machine • The Dark Crystal • Bozo’s Grand Prize Game • A Lifetime Supply of Chocolate • The Love Boat • FrankNFurter’s Platforms • Gregarious 120 • Dr. Evil’s Secret Volcano Lair • Mooby the Golden Calf • The Jewel-encrusted Egg with Working Clockwork Canary and Brass Bauble • Goldfinger’s Laser • The Wonkavator • Halliday’s Easter Egg • The Ole 96er • The Invisible Dot • The Golden Fleece • The WOPR • All 5 Golden Tickets • The Wonkavator • Voldemort’s Wand • Boss Hogg’s Triple White 1970 Cadillac Deville • The Ziggy Pig • The Oompa Loompas • The Gutenberg Bible • Excalibur • Both Death Stars • Anorak’s 3 Keys • The General Lee • Boss Hogg’s Cadillac Triple White 1970 Cadillac DeVille Convertible • The Paperboy’s $2 • The Hot Tub Time Machine • The Oasis • The Buddy Games Trophy Bucket • The One Ring • Bill & Ted’s Phone Booth • The Magic Carpet • The Golden Snitch • The Map to the Great Underground Empire • 50 Year Edition Sports Almanac • An Army of T-1000s • The Genie’s Lamp (oops, you forgot to ask for the Genie, too) • The Mask • The Orb of Osuvox • Santa’s Sleigh • Doc Brown’s Flying DeLorean • All Batmobiles & Batman Toys • Noah’s Ark • Zoltar Speaks Machine • A Hoverboard • Ralphie’s Red Ryder • The Iron Giant • The Close Encounters Mothership • Gru’s Freeze Ray • Iron Man’s Mark I, II & III • Rocky’s Boxing Gloves & Converse All-Stars • The Field of Dreams Cornfield • The Ark of the Covenant • Spicoli’s Double Cheese and Sausage Pizza • The Sorcerer’s Stone • Emporer Ming’s Ring • Free City 2 Carnage • The Moon • Forest Gump’s Box of Chocolates • The Sankara Stones • The Maltese Falcon • The 9 Pieces of 8 • The Phantom Zone Projector • The WarGames War Room • Lord Helmet’s Helmet • The Palantíri Seeing Stones • The Crystal Skull • Phantom’s Mask, Organ, and Chandelier • The Balrog of Morgoth • Satan’s Pitchfork • Jack Sparrow’s Compass • Mask of Tutankhamun • The Wicked Witch’s Hat • Frosty’s Magic Hat • Milton’s Red Swingline • The Golden Idol • The Ruby Slippers • The Infinity Gauntlet • The Glowing Briefcase • The Heart of the Ocean • The Grail Diary • The USS Vengeance • The Emporer’s Throne • Davy Jones’ Heart • Monty Python’s Holy Grail • The Head of Medusa • E.T.’s Phone Home Phone & Reese’s Pieces • The Yellow Brick Road • Magic Mirror on the Wall • The Papal Throne • Zeus’ Lightning Rod • Poseidon’s Trident • The Emerald City • The Shroud of Turin • Leonardo da Vinci’s The Last Supper & The Mona Lisa • The Statue of Liberty from Las Vegas
“Ahem, they’re MacGuffins, Sire, Not McMuffins.”